I am a Computer Guy, and a large portion of my contemporaries are Computer Guys, while the rest are simply Plain Old Dorks. That said, just try and guess what I did last night at midnight.
I only need one word to summarize the wonder of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King: oh my God. It was so succulent, so moist, so warm and soothing to the touch, that it even brought forth within my tired soul an unheard-of counting base that involves understating all figures by a subtrahend of two. To experience this rapid sequence of images with synchronized soundtrack is to weather a ruthless assault on your ability to check sudden outbursts of uncontrollable, unmitigated joy, and to do it while suckling at the bosom of the Holy Mother herself.
I think the only way to truly convey my thoughts on this cinematic victory, is to attempt to verbally transcribe the thoughts themselves as they passed beneath my cortex:
From the beginning: GASP!! THAT’S SMEAGOL!! DUDE!! I– THAT’S SO COOL!! … Whoa, Frodo, you poor bastard … Holy crap, that’s Minas Tirith?? It’s… Oh wow, they’re… They’re… Whoa… No, Denethor! Take it back!! No! Faramir! Oh my– Ooh, sweet that’s really cool… Ooh, with the singing, that’s pretty nifty. Nicely done. … GASP!! Nazgul! They’re– oh, duh, that doesn’t affect me. It’s not real. Damn. Too bad. WHOA, Oliphaunts! Uhp! Yay, Rohan’s here! Whoa, inspiring… Dude, now I wanna fight, too. Uhp, here they go… Holy shit… Holy SHIT!! Yeah! Whoooooooo!! Ooh, geez, better sit down. Oh, good, he got up too. I don’t feel so dumb. Oh, ha ha, here they come. I know who those ships really are. Yep! Whoooooo! Oh, whoops, stood up again. Sorry, dude. Ooh, dead guys rule! Go Aragorn, it’s your birthday! Uh! Uh! Wait, is Legolas gonna…? Oh, no way, he’s not… He’s not! He is! He’s—! Dude, go Legolas! It’s your birthday, too! Yeah! Now slide… slide… Whoooooo! … Eesh, dude, Sam, come on… Come on… Atta-Sam! Now get the… No, guys it’s okay, Gondor’s gonna… There they go. Oh, God, inspiring again… Oh I am so there. Come on guys, climb… Aragorn! Get up! Drop it already, Frodo! Do it do it! Where’s Gollum already?? Oh, whew, there he is. Ah, all gone. Whoooooooo!! … Aww, that’s so sad… … Whoooooooooo!!!!
And thus, 210 minutes later, I rose from my seat with renewed faith in the movie industry. Never have I seen such tender, intricate care given to something created by human hands. Pete, I’m buying you a car. A big one. One worthy of your obviously monumentally large phallus. You are not a man. You are not the man. You are The Man to End All The Mans. Make Star Wars Episode III now, okay?