Well, Hallmark Stockholder’s Day is upon us. This Saturday, millions of couples will be celebrating their affections together, spending gobs of money on things that they’ll just eat or throw out anyway. At the same time, millions of single people will be sitting at home, watching Sleepless in Seattle, stuffing their faces with ice cream, masturbating in tears.
Alone or not, Valentine’s Day is a stupid, stupid holiday. Single people are miserable; non-single people blow their money on useless trinkets. Hard to say who’s worse off. I guess it’s at least good for the economy. I dunno.
Personally, I’m grateful for the lack of Valentine pressure. No wasted money, no date planning, no wuvvy duvvy boo boo boo crap. Just me, some Girls Gone Wild videos, and a jar of Vaseline. Livin’ the dream, baby!
At this point, I’d like to apologize to my sister, who probably wishes she hadn’t just read that.
But seriously, forks, if you’ve got someone this year, congratulations. I’m happy for you, really, especially the girls, because this will be one of the few nice memories you’ll have after he cheats on you come summertime. Face it, he’s a polehole.
Single people, here’s the deal: you’re feeling sorry for yourself, being all whiney about it, asking Jack Daniels to be your Valentine — screw that. Screw it good, and then get off your couch, put your pants back on, get yourself sexyed up, and go outside. Whether you’re a chick or a wang, get out there and whore it up this Saturday. Don’t worry about getting to know anyone. Don’t even worry about names. Do sheath yourself, though. Don’t want any unexpected Valentine’s Day gifts.
Better yet, got some single friends? Is there an equal number of ladies and gents? Good. Get hammered, pair off, and drown your self-pity in bodily fluids.
And whether you’re single or not, don’t go giving Hallmark your money, you tool.