August 30th, 2004 
I totally want to go stand on the highway sometime and hold up a big sign that says “DOWN WITH RUBBERNECKING!!!”
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August 27th, 2004
AUGH!! Okay, people, please, is it so hard to come up with a clever title for something that doesn’t conform to the “[blank] Eye for the [blank] Guy” or “Who Wants to [blank] a [blank]?” template??? Somebody explain to me why nobody can name anything anymore without parodying a highly recognized household name!! Think, people!! Use your brains!! BE CREATIVE FOR POOPING BABY JESUS’ SAKE!!!
That is all.
August 13th, 2004
I spotted this link on Fark.com a few minutes ago. It’s a company that makes visual impairment goggles that are supposed to simulate the effects of alcohol.
It brought back memories of high school, specifically one day in Phys. Ed. when the gym teacher, whom we’ll call Ms. Androgyny, gave us the uplifting news that we didn’t need to get changed that day. Instead, we were going to get some alcohol education. Naturally, the football players started drooling - well, more than usual at least - no doubt thinking “Ooga! Uh uh! Free beer! Ugh!” before grabbing the nearest cheerleader and making a baby. Naturally, they were to be disappointed when the period’s activities consisted merely of putting on goggles like those mentioned on the site above and trying to walk a straight line and catch a ball.
Now comes the commentary. I’ve imbibed more than my fair share of alcohol in the past. Certainly I’ve deprived those less fortunate than myself of their own ethanoic ration on many an occasion. It’s a wonderful, wonderful thing that I hope to do again in the next couple minutes.
Point is this: all those goggles do is kinda skew your vision over to the left a little bit so your hands and legs aren’t where you think they are. For all the times I’ve woken up next to a mall Santa in the middle of April, covered in a mix of Cheetos, Magna-Doodle parts, and the requisite gastral refuse following a night of judgmentally impaired joy at the hands of God’s most generous creation, I have never once found my vision to be adjusted, even slightly, in any of the four primary directions or any combination thereof. Nor have I ever had trouble walking in a straight line, nor catch a ball. I have plenty trouble doing that when I’m sober.
Can we not come up with a better way to educate children about alcohol than forcing them to fail to catch a ball and then saying “Don’t drink. Stay in school. Pep rally on Friday.”? It’s not like anything would work anyway. Better off just giving the football players their free beer and letting them kill each other in drunken stuppors, you ask me.
Heh, remember D.A.R.E.? Oh, you don’t? Well, remember taking a nap when the nice police officer came in to talk to everyone, at least? ‘Cause that’s when D.A.R.E. was going on. I was just remembering how they did a study that found it had no effect whatsoever. Gotta love that.
Anyway, I think I’m gonna buy a few pairs of those goggles just to use them as a beer pong penalty. I’ll have to make up some easy-to-commit fouls, of course, but hey.