I’m starting my fourth week of work ovah heah at Lockheed Martin now, and it would be an understatement to say that I’m knee deep in it.
By “it”, of course, I mean “snow”. On my journey to the office this morning, it dawned on me that South Jersey folk just don’t understand what to make of these strange crystals that fall from the sky around this time every year. I can imagine their reactions are not unlike those of the Native Americans as they succumbed to small pox, unable to figure out just what the golly gosh’m was going on.
It’s actually quite entertaining to sit at my window and watch the locals run outside with spears, trying to kill the invading fluff. The only thing more entertaining is when it stops, and they all celebrate at seeing their adversaries lying dead on the ground, obviously due to their heroic efforts. Those who were too frightened to participate in the battle finally peek their heads out of their doors and join their gallant warriors in glorious revelry. Children pack the slain enemies into balls, using smaller ones as harmless, playful weapons, larger ones in the construction of horrific, mocking “snow men”. Schools are closed to commemorate the victory.
The plows are greeted by cheers and confetti. The drivers are heralded as mythical deities that are destined to appear when humanity proves its worth against the nippy onslaught of frozen precipitate. With the city safe once again, the heavenly, flannel-clad beings sweep up the fallen intruders, except for those that came to rest around the townspeople’s cars, which, screw it, they can worry about themselves.
So, after much digging, I got my car moving this morning and set myself to the task of navigating the poorly plowed, totally unsalted, and sometimes right out closed roads to work, where I seem to be the only person in the company who was able to negotiate the perilous thoroughfares and show up on time.
Still, I guess it’s better than Delaware, where instead of salt, they use dirt. No, seriously, they do.
Scene: Newark, Delaware, emergency town council meeting
MAYOR
Okay, people. That white thingie showed up again last night. We need to get rid of it or we’ll have to close school FOREVER!!
All gasp.
COUNCILPERSON 1
But Mayor, what will happen to recess?!MAYOR
There won’t be any recess!
All gasp.
MAYOR
Who here is brave enough?! Who will be our champion in this time of strife and uncertainty?!COUNCILPERSON 1
Surely there is something we can do!
COUNCILPERSON 2
I’ve got it!
We’ll throw DIRT on it!
All turn and look at him.
COUNCILPERSON 1
Dammit, Jenkins! That’s your solution to everything!MAYOR
Wait!
He might be on to something here…
Tell us about this “dirt”.
Y’know, in North Jersey, we run outside naked and defiantly make snow angels in four times as much snow. These crazy southern hicks don’t know how good they’ve got it.
Unrelated aside: according to the note on the office’s coffee pot, we have half and half in something called a frig, but nobody ever answers me when I ask them, “Hey, where the frig?” Guess I’ll just have to drink my coffee black.
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