This one gets a little serious. Not a lot, but a little.
By a wide margin, the biggest issue keeping me from being as productive as I would like is depression. When I’m depressed, I procrastinate, and when I procrastinate, I get depressed. And it doesn’t take much to make me procrastinate, either. For example, halfway through writing this paragraph, I stopped for five minutes to rearrange the icons in my menu bar.
Now I’m watching my cat.
I get the most depressed when I’m not working on something I love, hence procrastination being a cause of it. Keeping depression away, then, takes a lot of discipline, which, unfortunately, sounds too much like, “You’re not working hard enough.” If you’ve ever wrestled with depression, you know that being told you just need to try harder only makes it worse.
No, it’s more about having a system for not letting your brain throttle down. As long as your brain is running at full power, you’ll tend not to become depressed. After all, depression is basically just a symptom of diminished brain activity. Just look at how sluggish and disinterested you become when you’re feeling down.
So how do you maintain that high level of brainal output? That’s where the discipline comes in. You have to figure out a system for getting your brain moving, and then have the discipline to maintain it. In my case, the rules are so: As soon as I get up every morning, I have to play the drums for a half hour, work out for an hour, shower, get dressed, and immediately get to work on the most important task I have for the day without looking at Twitter or email.
But as soon as I miss a day, the depression comes back. Yesterday, for example, I did not start my day by working out. I did drum for about twenty minutes, but then I sat down at my computer and went through my RSS feeds. By the time I was done, I had no desire to do any work, so I wrote this post instead.
And so there is the need for discipline. I have to stick to the routine or I’ll get depressed.
Fortunately, in this particular case, writing this post was at least something important that had to get done, and the fact that it’s about depression is having a sort of Heisenberg effect, in that I can feel the depression lifting just enough for me to get my brain focussed again.
I mentioned on Monday that I burned out after the crunch experiment. I took a week off, thinking I just needed a break, but at the end of that week, I still felt like I needed more down time, so I took more. By the end of the second week, though, without noticing until it was too late, I’d fallen into a cycle of deep depression and couldn’t will myself to work.
In addition to depression, I’ve also developed an anxiety problem in the last couple of years. I finally went to my doctor about it in March, and the doctor prescribed me some Xanax. I bring this up because, when I’m depressed, I become more susceptible to anxiety, which is an even bigger problem when pills are in the equation, because anti-anxiety medications can cause depression. You can guess where this is going.
In the third week after the crunch, I became a pretty unpleasant person to be around. I started having several anxiety episodes a day. This culminated midway through the week when I had a huge anxiety attack about… something. I don’t remember exactly. It was mundane. I think it was because I’d forgotten to clean the litter box during the day and my wife noticed the smell and I panicked for fear of being seen as a slacker.
So I took a pill to settle the anxiety down, but the pill made me feel extremely depressed. I started ranting to my wife about every little thing wrong with my life, eventually bursting into tears when she expressed the barest hint of frustration at me. Next thing I knew, I was sobbing in my office, thinking about suicide. It took me an hour to remember that suicidal thoughts are another possible side effect of the pills. I threw them out immediately.
It’s perverse, the way depression can spiral sometimes.
But my point: This all happened because I took a break from the routine and didn’t replace it with something similarly stimulating. I let my brain throttle down. I should have spent those weeks off doing something worthwhile. I could have done concept sketches for Hindrances’ next game. Hell, I probably didn’t even need to do anything work related. I could have just spent some time reading or hiking. But I didn’t. I mostly just played Dragon Age and surfed the web.
As a depressed person, my greatest adversary is my own brain. I’ve come to think of it as something separate from myself. It does things, thinks about things, without my permission. It is not the self, it is the finicky engine that drives the self. It needs constant care and maintenance, and it takes a disciplined owner to consistently provide those things.
This latest post is both touching and terrifying. I wish I could be more supportive without sounding too Stuart Smalley, but I did want to make sure to remind you there are people out there who think what you do is amazing and inspirational.
Damn, that sounds so familiar
Be strong and dont let the dark side win
Can I just say I really admire your honesty. I can really relate to what you wrote, and it helped me because I thought I was the only one who felt like this.
Thank you.
Thank you, everyone. I confess I was a little worried this would be too heavy when I wrote it. You’ve set my mind at ease.
Great article. First time reading your blog, but I have been a twitter follower for a while.
Your article describes depression very similar to how I would describe it. Actually, before reading this, I would have had a hard time describing it, so thank you. Fortunately, I lack the anxiety issues you do. I hope it can be managed, preferably without the medication, because the side effects do not seem good to be put on top of your depression.
You really inspired me in this article. What I’m about to type has never been publicly placed on the web. Thank you.
Ever since graduating from college in 2008 and getting a job at a small web design/hosting/application company, I have had issues with depression. College kept my brain active, work at college was very social and relaxing, and I had some great friends. I moved after college, and even after four years, I still have not found friends like I had in college. Work definitely doesn’t replace college for the same level of brain activity, and my current job is almost always more stressful than my previous job. For the first two years I “handled” this by medicating myself with the drugs I was introduced to in college. Eventually, they caught up to me and I ended up in detox for a few days and as an outpatient for almost half a year. I recognize relapse as a potential issue in the future, but I have been able to get a better control on my life which has greatly reduced my depression. Work is still an issue, but my bigger issue was outside of work. I have mostly conquered this by setting goals in finances (paying off my debt), education (reading and prepping to go back to school for a masters), and fitness (running a marathon in May and doing a triathlon in July).
Again, thank you for this article.
I know what you are talking about.
For me what usually leads to a lapse in my routine is when that first, most important TODO task is either very boring or very difficult.
Good post, and certainly brave.
I share similar feelings at times and focus problems, but I’d argue that this isn’t necessarily depression. It was actually my girlfriend who asked me recently if I was depressed which was the first time that I even questioned myself about it.
Still, I think what this really is, is the emotional ups and downs of being entrepreneurial. It’s so much easier to take a cushy job in a big company – I’ve been there. Sure, it had its stresses and pains but I never felt the sheer emotional roller coaster that I’ve experienced in the past years while working to establish myself as a developer and make a living doing so. Even if you have a job and do this on the side or part-time(that was me for a while too, looking for a fulltime job again), or are currently in a smaller start up, you’re going to be feeling some of that emotional pressure just the same.
At the end of day, I’m still proud of the path I’ve chosen and the decisions I am making. I never get anything done in the time span I desire, but when I reach my goal I can only look back with a smile and know how much I grew during the process. It’s a marathon sometimes and these moments are like your wall, don’t give up.
Cheers,
Kyle
An excellent post I can relate to. I’m glad you wrote it.
It’s sometimes said that creative people are more prone to mental distinction.
Omega 3s and exercise are two of the best things I have found for getting back on track.
I meant to say ‘dysfunction’, not ‘distinction’
I’m sure it was difficult to publicly say all of it, but thank you. I suffer from the same symptoms of depression as you. Your tips about a routine are great and you had some insight into things I need to try out. I have found that it helps me to recognize when I’m in a “funk” and accept it. I try not to let it get me even more down – knowing it will pass and I’ll be back to my workaholic ways.
I’m going through this too. I have been procrastinating on this novella I anxiously want to get completed. So, instead I play xbox 360, which is stimulating, but I neglect my writing. And it is not like a play for hours either. I play mostly at night. I stay up until 3 in the morning and wake up late in the afternoon feeling anxious and not wanting to get out of the bed.
An another thing, the novella I am writing is depressing too, but when I do accomplish some word count I feel better in the process despite the depressing content of the story.
Wow – I experienced the same thing !
I am also always depressed – and there was a time a few months ago that I worked like crazy – it was amazing ! And what I did was also a routine , made my bed first thing in morning and showered then worked on an article immediatly.
But somewhere along the road I stopped and put off everything also thinking I was tired and need more rest. And here I am now ..just browing the net again on depression and discipline ! Haha. Yes I think I need to force myself to do the same again !