On Downswings and a Quid Pro Quo cum Pro Bono Producership

My bipolar rhythm has been in the trough stage for a few weeks, so work-getting-doneage has been on a deficiency kick. I finally pulled out of it yesterday, though, and probably in record time (thank you Lexapro and Abilify).

It turns out the only good way to get out of a downswing is to choose to do so. That’s both good and bad. On one hand, it means all you have to do is pick yourself up and get back to work. On the other hand, that’s impossible most of the time.

Depression is stupid like that. You know consciously how to make it stop because you’ve done so countless times over the last 31 agonizing years of your life, er, my life, I mean, wait, it hasn’t been agonizing, well, maybe yes, you get my meaning. You know how to pull out of a downswing when you’ve had depression issues long enough. It really only takes a little bit of willpower.

But when you’re depressed, you only have enough willpower to keep yourself fed and maintain the most basic hygienic rituals, and that’s if you’re doing well. Summoning the self control to flip your entire psyche right side up again takes tremendous effort.

In my case, that flip doesn’t usually happen until I hit a stratum of rock-bottomship so hyperbolic and asinine that I can only shake my head in rage and scream, “Fuck it, this is stupid!” We with bipolar call this the start of the manic phase.

Thankfully (again to Lexapro and Abilify), neither my downswings nor my upswings are as dramatic anymore. If you’re finding yourself blasting between bad moods and RADICAL moods every few weeks, look into medication. A small amount of anti-depressant combined with a small amount of mood stabilizer could end up changing your life like they did mine.

In other news, I’d like you all to welcome Mister Francis Fernandez, my new producer. Francis and I know each other as fellow Jonathan Coulton cruisers, and he was the first to answer my call for a producer two weeks ago. While he doesn’t require my services in turn, he has plenty of experience both as a producer and as a Unity developer, and we already know each other anyway, so it made perfect sense to bring him on. Already, he is utilizing such trade phrases as, “Since this is basically a short week now, I won’t need as much from you next time we meet.” My hope is that having someone like Francis to check in with every week will keep me on task and productive, which I’m certain will keep me from slipping into any more significant depressive swings. I hope I hope I hope.

This entry was posted in iDevBlogADay, Mental Health, Progress Reports. Bookmark the permalink.

Comments are closed.